Even till a few years ago, teachers and pediatricians used to encourage parents to participate actively in all the activities of their children. But these same people have today realized that some parents take a little too much interest and tend to overwhelm the child. They have coined a new term for it, calling it “over-parenting”,  and, since most of these experts find that mothers are more prone to it and tend to constantly hover and buzz around their children, some wag has coined the term “helicopter moms”.

“These are usually highly educated urban mothers, some of whom have given up lucrative careers and made child-rearing their focus at home. Some of them even admit to using the HR skills which they had used while in office. They are constantly buzzing around their kids,” laughs a senior teacher, who admits to have been rather harassed by such mothers. “It starts in the morning, when they closely supervise the breakfast and the packing of the school bag and lunch. Even a child of three gets a daily lecture on healthy calories and how many are required. Since many of these mothers drive, the next step is to drop their child at school, the trip being used to revise some more oral homework. While some mothers even hang around the school gate, a few are back to pick up their kids, with the entire day’s detailed report being extracted on the trip back home.

Every little spelling mistake or a wrong sum is gone through with a fine toothed comb, and since these mothers also have their own opinions, many a time we find them marching to the principal’s office demanding to meet the teachers.

During PTA meetings, they have a long list of complaints and suggestions, and while a few may be okay, most are highly intrusive or go against school policies.”  Many other teachers agree with this point of view, adding that such a state of affairs can become harmful to the child’s growth. “It’s good for parents to take an interest in their children’s activities and help out with homework and studies at home, but anything in excess can have a negative effect,” they state.

Symptoms of Over Parenting

What is the symptom of “over parenting “? You will see these parents fretting and worrying over all the tiny mistakes they may be inadvertently making as parents, often sitting up till late at night or getting up in the wee hours of the morning to delve into their library of parenting books or surf the internet for solutions. The term also refers to constant and unnecessary corrective, cautionary or disciplinary action or comments by either or both parents.

These parents not only “do everything” for their kids, they also keep the kids (and themselves) busy the   whole day ferrying the child from one activity to the other. Dance, music, sports, arts, and acting – they leave nothing to chance.

“We must give them every opportunity to find what they are going to be good in. The first six years is the best time to develop their talents,” they explain, whipping out such-and-such parenting book and flipping open to page so-and-so immediately to prove their theory. They also attend every parenting workshop in town, and their trip to the library means a fresh stock of parenting books.

Too Much Information

A leading gynecologist, says, “This occurs mostly among urban, affluent women, and the problem starts during pregnancy. They read up too much about it, and usually have a relative in the West whose pregnancy they want to follow. They treat this totally natural condition as a disease, and follow too many dos and don’ts.”

While it is good to have some amount of information and knowledge about what is happening to your body, too much information overload can be sometimes dangerous, and may make you anxious by blowing up a small problem into a major complication. It is best to go by instinct. Similarly, while it is good to educate and give your children maximum inputs, there is a chance of overdoing it.

A facilitator at an education centre, remarks, “These parents are obsessed with being the ideal parents. They are so worried of not being good parents that they overdo it, cramming so many sports, academics and extra-curricular activities in a single day that a child is not left on her own or to her own devices even for one moment in the day. But that too, is a necessary part of childhood.”

Over-Protective and Over-Indulgent

Over-parenting often starts from babyhood. They are over- protective and won’t allow their baby to fall or climb for fear of getting hurt. This prevents a child from learning the consequences of her actions. In the next stage they are constantly reminding their kids about homework or whatever is the next schedule of activity. Some parents, on the other hand, become over-indulgent. They go to great lengths. Cricket gear, keyboard, a guitar, skates, cycles with gears – and everything of the highest quality is brought for the little darling, and more often than not, rots in the attic after the initial excitement has worn off.

They probably want to give their child whatever they didn’t have, so much so that they don’t even wait for the child to show an interest in that particular activity, and ask for it. Some parents make their children over-dependent, completing all their school projects and sitting with them the entire time they are doing homework.

Dr Pamela Francis, a psychologist comments, “Some parents make their children over-dependent, thus robbing them of their self-confidence. They don’t allow the child to do anything, even falling asleep or studying, or playing, on their own.”

Danger Signs

Ironically, hyper-parenting starts with good parenting, until the parent concerned becomes too interfering and just doesn’t know where to stop. Parents need to do a rethink and put the brakes on, the moment they feel (or get comments from others) that they are over-parenting.