A marriage which starts with love and sex depends on its intensity at the beginning stage, starts withering as time passes. Love is not enough to make a marriage work and last. Sex too is not enough to make marriages work.

Many marriages fail sooner or later as the infatuation and the desire which attracted the couple each other initially, starts fading. Love evaporates, the charm of sexual activity diminishes and the bond between the spouses weakens.

The couple starts looking at each other’s shortcomings and faults. The cleavage in their married life starts deepening resulting in an unhappy marriage, separation and divorce. The financial independence of women has given them a leverage to remain single or marry a person of their choice or to get separated and divorced.

Marriage is one of the most demanding of commitments that we make in our adult life. It is considered essential as everyone on reaching adulthood needs someone as a committed companion, friend and guide and someone to look after the home and later the children when they arrive.

This can be nobody else except the wife. Marriage is a sacred thing for most couples and an honorable permission for sex.

Marriage is a beautiful relationship and, once committed, every couple must remain loyal and faithful to each other and do their best to remain in a happy and harmonious companionship. Married life is not always a smooth path and has its ups and down. It is up to both the partners how smoothly they sail through the high winds and storms coming their way by their strong determination and sincerity for each other. Wedlock is not bondage but a bonding of two individuals. This bonding makes any other person an outsider. Trust and transparency are important for a rock-solid marriage.

Marriage is wonderful if it works out and lasts for a whole life. Every married couple must have the goal of making the marriage a lifelong union and should continuously keep trying for it. Firm determination, dedication and devotion is required to make the marriage a success and a lifelong companionship with the same partner. A lifelong marriage partner provides lasting security. Your partner stands by your through thick and thin and sees you through all the problems of life by extending unconditional support. A lasting marriage provides companionship. It provides the closest person to whom one can unburden oneself without fear and reservation. Even when you have occasional tiffs, conflicts, rifts and fights or your sex may not be all that great all the time, you very well know that your spouse won’t just push off one fine day leaving you in the lurch.

Marriage Myths

Myth: Today you cannot expect a lifelong marriage.

Facts: Why not? It all depends on how one works his or her married relationship to stay together. Many couples are found all round in all countries whose married lives with the same spouse has crossed 40 and 50 years. If people want to live a contented, happily married life, they will have to emulate each other by developing a positive attitude to marriage. Do not emulate celebrities, models and too modernized people among whom divorces are common.

Myth: The key to marital success is sex, love, romance and luck.

Facts: Some cases of domestic violence do happen because of ill-tempered people and by drunkards but often it is the caustic tongue of the woman which aggravates the situation. The law and social organizations are there to help.

Myth: Those who are married have a less satisfying sex and less sex in comparison to freelancers.

Facts: It is not true. In fact, those who are married have a better and more emotionally satisfying sex life with greater frequency of sex acts than unmarried men or women.

Myth: The more educated and career-oriented women do not marry and their chances of marriage become very bleak.

Facts: This is not true. The age at which they get married may be higher but all of them have a natural urge to get married and have their own families. There may be an odd exception.

Myth: A child is an obstruction to a good married life.

Facts: It is not at all true. Couples with children are much happier than those without children. Couples with children try more to make a marriage work rather than childless couples.

Factors which precipitate separation and divorce:

• Adultery by either spouse
• Couples practicing or experimenting liberal sex lifestyles like open marriage, dating, swinging, swapping, offering their wives for money or drinks.
• Physical, mental or emotional abuse of the spouse.
• Incompatibility of thoughts, likes and dislikes.
• Incompatibility in sex. Husband not satisfying wife. Having undesirable traits like nagging and cribbing, narrow-mindedness, a suspicious nature and too much of jealousy, drunkards, gamblers and grumbling spouses.
• Too much of ego.
• Poor communication capabilities.
• Lack of qualities which sustain a healthy relationship like patience, tolerance, forgiveness, ignoring trivial issues, mutual respect for each other, caring, sharing and supporting.
• Irritating habits, follies and faults of spouse.

Tips for both husbands and wives for making marriage work:

• Give exclusive time to each other which may be only an hour or even half an hour every day
• A good husband and wife relationship is built on compromises and a great deal of give and take on both sides, so do not be rigid or adamant, flexibility, adjustment and an open mind helps in achieving compromises.
• Hidden, pent-up resentments damage relations between husband and wife. Talk to each other about these rather than keeping silent. In running a home and in personal relationships some right and wrong will always occur despite best efforts by either of the spouses. Reward in some way what you like and  ignore what you do not like.
• If money is the source of some conflict between the spouses then set a budget jointly, be firm about savings and expenditure by mutual consultation.
• Friendship among spouses gives stability to the relationship of husband and wife. Get inspiration from couples who are still married to the same partner for 50 years or more. As all wives are expected to have certain virtues, men too must possess and develop some qualities to bring harmony and happiness in their lives.
• Do not get tempted to have an affair howsoever attractive or tempting it looks. Keep a control on yourself for the sake of the happiness of your children, spouse and yourself. Adultery ruins married life. Commitment for ending partnership between husband and wife is a pledge, a promise and obligation that is not to be broken.
• Keep the romance alive in your daily life and enjoy your conjugal relations giving happiness and pleasure to each other. It keeps the bond strong between husband and wife.
• If either of you is angry with each other for some reason, just remain quiet for some time. Things will cool down. Forget and forgive is the key to avoid precipitating the matter, whatever it may be.
• Keep your spouse pleased. Appreciate each other’s good points and underplay the mistakes. Appreciation acts as a catalyst in getting the best out of a person. Do all what your spouse says. Listen attentively. All that is being told need not be replied to or commented upon until something is particularly asked. Treat your spouse with dignity, respect, courtesy and love. Clear misunderstandings. As husbands pamper their wives to please them, similarly the wives too should pamper their husbands.
• Some characteristics of your spouse are there for life. Learn to live with them without hurting her or him.
• Professionally working couples must balance their professional and personal lives.
• Communication is the key ingredient to a successful marriage. Husbands and wives should share their daily events and information. In case of any differences cropping up, do not insist on your point of view.
• Accept your spouse with grace as he or she is, with positive and negative traits. A flawless husband or wife is found nowhere.
• Understand and trust each other. Do not let your emotions get the better of you. Have realistic expectations from each other. Give due value to each without taking your partner for granted.
• Do disagree. But do not force your opinion on your partner. Do not get cross, angry, abusive or violent.

Let her or him has her or his opinion. When wrong, admit it. One can settle fights and the underlying bitterness by just saying the magic words, “I am sorry”. Always be ready to forgive and forget.

Tips for husbands for making marriage work:

• On returning home from work if the husband does not find the wife waiting for him, find her first and give her a hug if alone or in private. Ask her about her day.
• If possible do all that your wife says. She feels distressed if you forget the things she told you to do. Give priority to her in everything.
• Do not ignore parents but try to maintain a proper balance between the wife and parents.
• When she talks to you, listen to her. Put down the magazine or newspaper or stop reading for a while till she finishes. Look at her, from the TV or computer if you were watching or working on it. Be patient. Do not look at your watch when she is talking to you.
• Call from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting. Call her when you are likely to reach home late. Plan to go out with her on a holiday.
• Remember small gestures are rewarding. Doing small things fulfills her primary needs and she feels being cared for and understood. Buy her little presents which she loves.
• Do not criticize her. Do not find faults. Do not take things for granted. Express gratitude for all her contributions, sufferings and sacrifices. Keep a control on your tongue by not uttering unwanted harsh words or derogatory remarks. Howsoever upset or angry she may be, she is really seeking empathy to understand her problem.
• Marital life requires some compromises and adjustments. Innumerable times one has to ignore, forgive and forget.
• Make her feel that she is very important to you.
• Offer her your shoulder when she needs it rather than lecturing her all the time. Those husbands are  adored by wives who have a tender touch and gentle words for her.

Tips for wives for making marriage work:

• To keep the married life happy, cherished and intact, a successful, shrewd wife lets her husband believe that it is he who is running the show while she confidently pulls the strings in the background.
• Do what your husband wants you to do in everyday life unless it is something against your wishes, principles or moral values.
• Do not ever criticize your husband. He needs your appreciation for working so hard and doing good things for the family and fulfilling your family needs.
• Look attractive for your husband by taking care of your body, dress and make-up. Cook his favourite meal and special dishes to please him.
• Give him full love and attention. Sex is an important ingredient of marital life. So enjoy it and give enjoyment to your husband too.
• Try not to indulge in arguments with your husband. Husbands do not like their wives to nag, be noisy, quarrelsome, dominating, argumentative, aggressive, disrespectful, sneaky and sexually cold.
• If he is difficult try to tame him, if he is aloof try to win him over. If he is on the rampage try to woo him back.
• Do not be over possessive. Do not always hang around him. Give him space. Do not try to change your husband by coercing or nagging or by derogatory remarks. Nobody likes to change on other’s insinuations.
• Be pleasant, smiling and jovial. Every day by gestures or by words or through body language, express what thrills or pleases hubby. It may be a bewitching smile, a wink, a frown or something else which a wife must know.
• Middle-aged and elderly wives must remember that, as the youth and physical beauty start  vanishing, it is their devotion, caring, sacrifices, behaviour, good nature, soft-spoken words and valuable advice that makes her the best partner.

Couples having a married life of a few decades opine that love, trust and complete understanding are important for a healthy and sound relationship. The partner should be treated with respect and as an equal.

The divorce facility must be availed of when there is total incompatibility between the spouses and not on flimsy grounds as the present trend is. Avoiding a divorce will mean saving yourself and your kids a lot of trauma and anguish.

Divorce on trivial issues is not the answer when one is unhappy with the spouses. Repeat marriages and divorces are no good in the long run. The lonely, difficult and hard life as a divorced man or woman is very painful. Divorced persons realize and repent for their follies late at a big cost. Loneliness is the fate of many, especially at the fag end of their lives. There is no readymade formula or one-word solution for saving a marriage, it varies for each couple.

Once must focus on the positive aspect of one’s spouse. Leading blissful lasting married life is an art in itself. It comprises understanding, compassion, consideration, loving, caring, making sacrifices, adjustment, respect and care for each other, and forgiving each other’s mistakes, Lasting marriages are becoming rare in advanced countries which is a bane for men, women and society.

The key to save a marriage lies in the small things we can do for our spouses. The chains do not hold a marriage together. It is the hundreds of threads of trust, tolerance, devotion, sacrifice, faith, forgiveness, friendliness, fidelity, goodwill, good communication, and control on tongue, behaviour, needs and demands which bind husband and wife together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last, more than love, passion, romance or sex.

One needs parents blessings too, to make marriage a success. Marriage comes with no guarantees and one can be dealt a good, bad or indifferent hand. But how we play our cards is up to us.

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